


Higher and Higher

by Epi_girl



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, the 50 foot oak tree, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-21 17:42:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11362410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Epi_girl/pseuds/Epi_girl
Summary: The sun might be shining on his face, but his thoughts are anything but bright.





	Higher and Higher

Up and up and up he goes.

Usually when he climbs a tree, all his problems, the thoughts, they stay there at the bottom and it all falls away, and it's only him, Evan Hansen, sitting in a tree. 

But today, they climb up with him. 

The orchard is a beautiful place, he thinks, reaching for another branch, his hands raw from the rough bark.

One foot after the other, he climbs higher, _why are the thoughts still there._

He must be 30 feet up by now, Evan knows, but he keeps going up, feeling the wind on his arms as he stares down at the softly rustling yellow grass, and it seems worlds away, untouched by his mind, untouched by him.

Trees are his comfort.

Maybe not, anymore.

34, 35, 36.

The issues, his thoughts, _ZoeConnorJaredMom_ , they aren't gone, he can't leave them behind anymore, _disappointmenthopeless_ , and it scares him. Because if he has nowhere to go, if he can't step out of the sun, he's going to burn.

He's starting to burn.

40 feet. 

He stops climbing.

Maybe in that instant, he stops trying.

Because what's the point? He can't run anymore. All he ever does is run. And if he can't run anymore, why try?

His feet dangle aimlessly over the edge of the branch and he just looks at the ground, and it's almost as thought it's a million worlds away, a different place. He wants to be somewhere else.

Anywhere but here.

Anywhere but his own head, his inescapable mind.

Evan lets his eyes close, because maybe for a fleeting moment, he can revel in the darkness, pretend that he isn't who he is, that he isn't a worthless, overdramatic kid stranded near the top of an oak tree in an old abandoned orchard.

He opens them again, and reality comes crashing back into him. 

Crash. Would he crash?

The thought is jarring.

But would he? If he let go, jumped now, would he crash? Would he make a sound?

Would anybody care? 

_No they wouldn't._

But the idea grows on him. Letting go. Giving up. It's his last chance to run away. 

Maybe for good.

The blackness could last.

He's inching closer to the edge now, and Jared crossed his mind, though briefly. No. He wouldn't care. His car insurance would be just fine without Evan.

Closer. 

The ground is so far away. He wants to be there. Far away.

His mother.

Maybe she won't have to stretch herself so thin anymore, work so hard for a son that does nothing for her. His mom will be better off.

Everyone will.

And Zoe? She won't care. She never knew him anyway. 

And he never knew her.

Closer.

Closer.

 

_SNAP_

 

He's for a split second, and the blur, the rush, it's beautiful. He feels a wight lift from him as he plummets to the ground, and it's so close, _so close_ , and--

He's on the ground.

His arm goes numb.

 

 

_He should have climbed higher._

 

 

 

 


End file.
